He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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