yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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