girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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