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• (773): View more from Illinois

  I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.

  Fav 20 976 2242

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  After last night, I could never be a politician.

  Fav 11 1598 734

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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight

  Fav 69 1591 9391

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• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time

  Fav 15 4475 1523

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• (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.

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• (623): View more from Arizona

  You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"

  Fav 10 4370 1237

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• (217): View more from Illinois

  Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.

  Fav 3 1219 1166

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• (828): View more from North Carolina

  nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...

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• (907): View more from Alaska

  NO TEQUILA

  (1-907): View more from Alaska

  Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead

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• (705): View more from Ontario

  Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.

  Fav 5 1183 629

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• (509): View more from Washington

  She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.

  Fav 0 14 44

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• (423): View more from Tennessee

  Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.

  Fav 0 91 13

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• (940): View more from Texas

  Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love

  Fav 0 38 7

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• (702): View more from Nevada

  Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!

  Fav 0 77 6

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