I just cut my nipple shaving
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
