My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
