i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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