The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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