I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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