Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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