Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
