In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
