When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
