Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
