I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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