i think my tv is drunk
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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