cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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