I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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