My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
