beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
