i wish my penis had a tongue
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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