upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
