She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
