please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
