she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
