I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
