Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
