he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
