I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize