I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
