Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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