actually, I'm a sock model
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
