Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
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