Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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