Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
