Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
