im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
