I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
