planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
