I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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