So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
