I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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