is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
