my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
