im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
