just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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