is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
