I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
