My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
