I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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