He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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