I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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