I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
