with your own penis?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
